There is much talk lately about emotionally unavailable men, narcissists, ghosting, gaslighting and so on and so forth. But I haven’t heard anything about emotionally unavailable women. If I exist for sure there are other women who have their hearts under DEFCON 5 lockdown, too.
Strangely enough this spring is one of permanent revelations for me. Signs were all around, but today all pieces fell into the puzzle. Maybe the funniest moment was while reading a post in a women’s support group that asked how’s your heart. In all sincerity I commented happy and self-sufficient.
I have never felt stronger, happier, more content and driven to attain the life I desire. I’ve never actually got to experience the “it’s all about me” angle and this is the chapter in my current life. Hell, yes! It is all about ME. I’m tired of compromise, I’m tired of giving all the time more attention to others. It’s as generous and healthy to love yourself more. Afterwards all those around you will be happy. So, in a very amusing way, I can honestly quote Samantha (Sex & the City): “I love you, but I love myself more.”
I have zero desire to compromise irrationally. Should I compromise, there must be a very good reason behind the decision.
As there are several movies I love, here’s another quote to describe where I am now.
“Andrea: My personal life is falling apart.
Nigel: That’s what happens when you start doing well at work. Let me know when your entire life goes up in smoke, means it’s time for a promotion.”
Well, Nigel, that promotion should better come soon, as my other side of life has burned down to ashes quite some time ago!
What surprised me it’s the utter freedom feeling. No more strings attached, no more beating up myself for not complying to general social customs. I’m soon turning 39, I’m single, I not chasing any man and I’m definitely over the having kids chapter. I never looked better. I learned a tone of new things during the past years. I am pursuing several passions from dance, physical training to nutrition. I am writing again. And in a bolder way than ever. Probably I wouldn’t reject a marriage proposal should a satisfactory suitor come along, but my life doesn’t evolve around the family topic.
Another recent revelation was that my maternal instincts are being implemented in different ways from animal welfare to charitable work and striving to mentor other people around me so they discover and reach their full potential.
Finally, after a very long time, I am not ashamed to wish things for myself and live primarily for my own happiness. Should my dreams comprise others, fine, if not, that’s life. After too long a time I am breaking my shell of social conventions and taking baby steps into the directions I feel fulfilled in.
So if you ask what’s wrong with me that at my age I’m not married with several kids, I will bluntly tell you that I am emotionally unavailable. For the time being there are no more available resources in this respect. I will never backdown from good times and having fun. We can even mutually agree to share my body on different occasions, but that has nothing to do with my heart.
And here comes the twist. For the story’s sake let’s say my heart is a treasure that was split in several pieces, hidden, stolen or given, as life happened to me. A piece is deeply buried with my sun and stars (GOT fans will get it). A piece shall always remain with the charm of my life, by which side I turned into my mature version. A piece bled to death while madly loving an emotionally unavailable man.
The last quarter of my heart is the twist. My core is well and safe within the palms of my BFF. I’ve gifted him, my soulmate, with myself. I’ve done it in all sanity as he is the one who knows ME, the one behind the masks. In his love I am fully cherished and respected. Maybe sometimes I did wander about how it would be to also be romantically involved, but in the end the spiritual connection surpassed all. I’ve gifted to security my best part. To be kept whole, glowing and safe. No daily quarrels, no compromises, no stress of commitment, no insecurities. No destructive “what if” questions.
I even recall telling him that all I want now is to be in love with my best friend. And be loved in return. My soul knew better than me as it chose this beautiful other person almost two decades ago, in the most unexpected place and time.
My soul chose wisely. Hence, I am not dead. I’m alive and well, dynamic and a better storyteller than ever. I’ll neither grow old, nor boring. I will not die. And when my body will decide to transcend, it’ll look and be young and strong and healthy.
It’s time for the big spring cleaning. There are no more tears to shed. I’ve cried the last ones in a very beautiful jacket adorned with strong athletic arms. No more looking back. No more “why not me?”, “what did I do wrong?”, “aren’t I good enough?” questions to ask. No more opportunities to lose because all of the social convention leashes around my neck.
The “wrong” part of me is not being emotionally available. Sure, I love the idea of commitment, of a beautiful, romantic, sturdy, healthy relationship, but it scares the shit out of me to risk my heart again. Remember that I’ve only got a little left. If some corporate/businessman/artist Prince Charming finds the formula to multiply my heart, fine! If not, I must guard it well. The DEFCON 5 lockdown is activated. The Aguilar in me gave Christoffa my Apple to keep it safe.
It isn’t really much difference between the emotionally unavailable men or women. We’re all humans. It all comes down to whether we become aware of our source of power or not. It could be just a phase. Or not. Life will tell. But life is as beautiful as we make it and mine isn’t bad at all. It’s funny how the wheel turns and we find ourselves learning certain lessons. Now I think I see from where the power of the emotionally unavailable man came from. A power that never included me, yet I’ve always been impressed with it. I have to admit I did want to gain at least a little of the same power. See how it feels, see what it can generate. There’s a lot of truth in the old “beware what you wish for because you might receive it” saying.
There’s also much power in accepting who you are and what’s your current condition. So many scenarios to experiment. So many directions to grow into. So many versions into which one can evolve. It’s quite a surprise to understand Nicole Kidman’s Moulin Rouge character in the Elephant Love medley. I’ve always been closer to Ewan McGregor’s “all you need is love” part, yet it’s fascinating to understand that it’s a “little” more than that.
